What 8 survivors of violent crime taught me about redemption

But our current criminal justice system isn't designed to acknowledge this reality. It serves to keep people on both sides of a crime completely separate as it weighs out the appropriate penalty. This system may deliver justice. What it might not do is heal.

During the filming of my new CNN show, "The Redemption Project," I witnessed a different response to violent crime -- one that brings together survivors and those who committed a crime to seek accountability and answers they may not have gotten in the courtroom.

I saw survivors of violence and loss agree to meet face-to-face and talk with those who hurt them or their family members. Meanwhile, those who had made terrible decisions sat down to hear directly from those whose lives they had derailed or destroyed.

These carefully structured dialogues are a key part of the restorative justice process. Where our criminal justice system focuses on punishment of the individual responsible for the crime, restorative justice seeks to heal the whole community and all parties involved. (Note that some people find the term "victim" to be dehumanizing. But within the context of a restorative justice process, it is the most commonly used term, so I will use it here advisedly along with the term "survivor.")

Not every conversation resulted in a miraculous breakthrough. For some crime survivors, the pain proved too deep to set aside. But the dialogues were still invaluable, as they gave long-suffering victims vital information, invaluable insight and answers to questions that had haunted them for years.

At the same time, some conversations resulted in crime survivors going before parole boards to try to free the person who hurt them. One mother of a murdered child essentially adopted the man who killed her son and became his mentor.

I believe we can learn a lot from the spectrum of responses of these remarkable people who attempted to reach across an unfathomable divide. I know that I did.

Here is some of what these conversations taught me:

1) Not everyone chooses to forgive -- and that's OK.

Forgiveness should not be the only goal of a healing dialogue between two people who share a painful past. Not everyone thinks it is appropriate to forgive the person who hurt them or who stole the life of a loved one. And yet, for most crime survivors, there can be some relief in seeing the other person walk into a room -- decades older, heavier and often much worse for the wear than they were at the trial. Seeing the individual in person makes clear what was always true -- that they are also a human being, however flawed and not an all-powerful monster or super-human demon. The person who committed the crime steps out from the land of their nightmarish memories, walks through a doorway and sits down nervously in a small, folding chair. In that moment, some sense of balance and context is restored, while the fear tends to recede.

2) Apologies matter -- even when they don't result in forgiveness.

Even if someone chooses not to forgive the person who harmed them, it can still help to speak with that individual -- if that person is truly repentant and has taken full responsibility for their actions. There is magic in the words, "I'm sorry." Especially when the person apologizing is saying those words years later, outside of the drama of a courtroom performance, when there is nothing to be gained. "I'm sorry" are two powerful words even in the aftermath of seemingly unforgivable crimes. The belief that the person who committed the crime "doesn't even care" is often a heavy weight for victims to carry. It can help to know that the guilty party has truly repented.

3) Lack of communication can compound the pain.

It makes sense for there to be a period of time when two parties are separated after one of them does something egregious. But going through life with incomplete knowledge about the incident can become its own burden. People who've survived violent crime struggle under the emotional weight of questions like, "What made you do that?" "What were you thinking?" and "What have you learned?" Or, simply, "Why?" Communicating in a structured, safe environment can offer victims some relief and a chance to heal.

4) Most of us can't find the words to express our real needs.

Almost every one of us has the ability to get mad. In the wake of a tragedy, those around us almost always give us permission to be angry or sad. But most of us lack the skills to articulate what our true needs are. We do not have the vocabulary to describe what we need to hear or need to feel so that we can move further toward healing. The careful preparation ahead of a healing dialogue can better equip injured persons to express themselves and to feel heard by the person who hurt him or her.

5) People have an immense capacity for healing and understanding.

If you take one lesson away from "The Redemption Project," I hope it will be this: People have more capacity for healing, empathy and understanding than almost anyone in our media, schools, courts or political system suggests. I witnessed Olympic levels of moral courage as people sat across from the person who permanently injured them -- or even took the lives of loved ones. Often, it took a comparably Herculean level of courage for the offending party to show up and look into the eyes of the people whom they had irreparably harmed. Watching these feats, over and over again, forever changed my understanding of what human beings are capable of. It forced me to reflect on how much richer all of our lives would be if we each showed a fraction of the courage that is on display in "The Redemption Project."

On Capitol Hill and in corporate boardrooms, it seems the instinct is to pin the blame on the other guy. We have perfected the politics of accusation, which discourages confession, responsibility and accountability. And our so-called "cancel culture" ostracizes people for the smallest slights.

I hope that "The Redemption Project" can remind people at all levels of society that it is only through courageous conversations, ones centered on confession, accountability, candor and grace, that individuals and societies can heal and forge a future that is better than the past.

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